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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Melania Idly Wonders If She Would Get Heads-Up About Nuclear Missile Headed Toward New York

NEW YORK—Saying she liked to believe she’d be given some kind of warning, Melania Trump idly wondered Wednesday whether she would get a heads-up if a nuclear missile were headed toward New York. “You’d think I’d receive a phone call with some sort of instructions if they knew a nuclear warhead was on its way,” said the first lady, despite being unable to recall her husband or any officials ever mentioning the existence of an alert system or notification protocol. “Maybe they have a secret shelter somewhere, and they’ll just show up suddenly to evacuate me and Barron. If they knew I was in the direct path of a nuclear weapon, surely they’d at least contact me so I could emotionally prepare, right? If absolutely nothing else, Donald would call to say goodbye and tell me he loved me, wouldn’t he? I mean, wouldn’t he?” After pondering the scenarios for a few minutes, Melania decided that, on second thought, it was probably better if she didn’t know.

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