Mellowing Jihadist Not As Enraged By Western Culture As He Used To Be

Top Headlines


Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Mellowing Jihadist Not As Enraged By Western Culture As He Used To Be

Kalmati says he still hopes to see the West burn in righteous fire, but doesn’t get as bent out of shape about it as he used to.
Kalmati says he still hopes to see the West burn in righteous fire, but doesn’t get as bent out of shape about it as he used to.

MIRANSHAH, PAKISTAN—Admitting he has “mellowed out a bit” with age, 54-year-old militant jihadist Adil Jalal Kalmati confided to reporters Wednesday that he now finds himself far less enraged by Western culture than he did in his younger days as a religious extremist.

The veteran Taliban insurgent confirmed that while he still strictly and unflinchingly follows the tenets of Sharia law, he gets less worked up than he used to whenever someone expresses a personal value that could be seen to clash in any way with the fundamentalist practice of Sunni Islam.

“In my youth, I was pretty quick to fly off the handle at the mere mention of Western clothing, music, food, ideas—anything,” said Kalmati, explaining that once he entered his 50s, he no longer felt the same intense compulsion to savagely beat any man who dared to shave his beard. “Thirty years ago, seeing a woman who wasn’t covered head to toe in a burka would drive me mad. I’d follow her home, find out where she lives, and come back the next day to throw acid in her face. Nowadays, I’m more likely to just shake my head and go on with my day. I don’t blow a gasket like I used to.”

“Do I still want to unleash ceaseless death and destruction upon the infidels in the name of Allah?” he added. “Absolutely. But I’ve learned to pick my battles.”

Kalmati explained to reporters that as he’s grown older, he’s begun to realize that life is too short to spend an entire day disemboweling a teacher for the offense of educating girls, or publicly flogging a woman seen walking with a man who isn’t a relative—things he has reportedly done in the past without hesitation.

Now that he’s reached middle age, the Islamist operative said, he is also less inclined to react violently when coming across Pashtuns who embrace elements of American culture, a far cry from when he was younger and once shot the entire staff of a local movie theater execution-style for screening a Hollywood film.

“There comes a point when you realize you can’t just furiously obsess over every little transgression of your literal interpretation of the Prophet’s teachings—otherwise, you’ll just be miserable all the time,” said Kalmati, pointing to past instances in which he “got very heated, admittedly” and dragged men accused of homosexuality into the streets, stripped them naked, and stoned them to death. “Many years ago, I kidnapped and beheaded a journalist with a group of older mujahideen who hardly seemed to take any pleasure in the act at all. I remember thinking, ‘I’ll never be like that.’ But now that I’m their age, I completely get where they were coming from.”

“I’m a bit more laid-back these days, and it takes a lot to get me riled up enough to pack a car full of explosives and remotely detonate it in a crowded urban bazaar,” he continued. “It still happens every once in a while, but not as often as it used to.”

While acknowledging that the thought of male doctors treating female patients will still, on occasion, cause him to erupt in a fit of anger and burn down a public hospital, Kalmati explained that he now focuses more time and energy on his personal hobbies, which include cooking and photography.

The aging zealot stressed that his desire to cleanse the world of all infidels—even if it means massacring fellow Muslims who aren’t strictly devout or who practice Shi’a Islam—remains as strong as ever. But he noted he is far happier now that his entire emotional state no longer revolves solely around that end.

“You get married, you have a few kids, and eventually you realize you no longer want to go out at night to ransack a Christian bookstore and slit the owner’s throat in front of his family,” Kalmati said. “But that’s okay.”

“When you look at the kinds of things the young jihadists are doing today, you realize the torch has been passed,” he added. “What they’re doing goes way beyond anything we ever even dreamed of.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close