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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Members Of Opening Band Walking Among Crowd During Intermission Like Gods Among Men

OXNARD, CA—Descending from the stage as though from Mount Olympus on high, members of the alt-rock band Cold Thunder reportedly deigned to mingle among the awestruck masses at Club Lagos Thursday evening after the group’s 20-minute opening set. “Thanks for coming out, guys,” one of the godlike beings called to a throng of lowly supplicants, who gazed upon the almighty ones as they sipped upon the fine nectar they had obtained with their two complimentary drink tickets. “We’ve got another show next week, so come on out if you can. And we’re selling CDs out front. Only 10 bucks. We’ve got a mailing list, too, so definitely sign up for that.” Reports indicate the magnificent deities then hauled their equipment back to their van, leaving behind only a mythic afterglow, and the undying memory of their valor and might.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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