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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Members Of Opening Band Walking Among Crowd During Intermission Like Gods Among Men

OXNARD, CA—Descending from the stage as though from Mount Olympus on high, members of the alt-rock band Cold Thunder reportedly deigned to mingle among the awestruck masses at Club Lagos Thursday evening after the group’s 20-minute opening set. “Thanks for coming out, guys,” one of the godlike beings called to a throng of lowly supplicants, who gazed upon the almighty ones as they sipped upon the fine nectar they had obtained with their two complimentary drink tickets. “We’ve got another show next week, so come on out if you can. And we’re selling CDs out front. Only 10 bucks. We’ve got a mailing list, too, so definitely sign up for that.” Reports indicate the magnificent deities then hauled their equipment back to their van, leaving behind only a mythic afterglow, and the undying memory of their valor and might.

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