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Study: Anxiety Resolved By Thinking About It Real Hard

Potentially offering hope to millions of Americans struggling with psychological and emotional problems, a study published this week in The New England Journal Of Medicine found that test subjects were capable of fully resolving their anxiety by thinking ...

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Members Of U2 To Stare In Different Directions

DUBLIN—In what many record- industry insiders are calling a return to the band's mid-'80s prime, members of U2 announced Monday plans to stare in different directions. Guitarist The Edge said he will stand slightly behind lead singer Bono and stare off to his right, as if gazing purposefully into an uncertain, yet hopeful, future. Bassist Adam Clayton will stare downward, burdened by the weight of injustices all over the world. Drummer Larry Mullen Jr. will look up, as if searching for guidance from a higher power. Lead singer Bono has still not committed to a specific position, saying, "That is a decision I can only make in the actual moment of artistic creation. But it'll be a different direction than the other three, you can count on that, brother!" The multi-directional staring is expected to take place atop a jagged, rocky peak.

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