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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Members Of U.S. Women’s Soccer Team Love Each Other Like Sisters And All That Shit

HARRISON, NJ—Following a 1-0 victory over Mexico last Sunday, representatives from the U.S. women’s soccer team said all that touchy-feely garbage they usually say about how much they love each other and how the whole team is like one big family. “These girls are like my sisters,” said midfielder Carli Lloyd, who added a slew of overly sentimental, gag-inducing drivel that included such bullshit as “This is a collection of very strong women,” and “We definitely have our fights, but in the end, there is only love here.” “When it comes to these girls, I’d do anything for them and they’d do anything for me.” In two weeks, the team will travel to Germany for the 2011 World Cup, in which they will more than likely talk about the 1999 women’s soccer team with so much reverence that it’ll literally make you want to puke all over the place.

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