Members Of U.S. Women’s Soccer Team Love Each Other Like Sisters And All That Shit

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Vol 47 Issue 24

Dressing Up For Going Out

It's always hard to decide what to wear when you're going out for the evening. Here are some ways to look your best for a night on the town:  

Nation's Dads Treated To Mark Knopfler Meet-And-Greet

CHICAGO—In what many were calling "the best Father's Day present ever," the nation's dads were treated to a Mark Knopfler meet-and-greet Thursday, spending several minutes chatting and posing for photos with the former Dire Straits frontma...

Partygoer Gets Thoughtful

LAFAYETTE, LA—At approximately 11:20 P.M. Friday night, the festive attitude of local partygoer Nathan Daniels, 34, suddenly gave way to a more thoughtful and introspective mood, witnesses reported.

'America's Most Wanted' Canceled

After 23 years on the air, America's Most Wanted—the Fox show that dramatizes real crimes in order to assist in the capture of suspects—will no longer air as a weekly program.
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Members Of U.S. Women’s Soccer Team Love Each Other Like Sisters And All That Shit

HARRISON, NJ—Following a 1-0 victory over Mexico last Sunday, representatives from the U.S. women’s soccer team said all that touchy-feely garbage they usually say about how much they love each other and how the whole team is like one big family. “These girls are like my sisters,” said midfielder Carli Lloyd, who added a slew of overly sentimental, gag-inducing drivel that included such bullshit as “This is a collection of very strong women,” and “We definitely have our fights, but in the end, there is only love here.” “When it comes to these girls, I’d do anything for them and they’d do anything for me.” In two weeks, the team will travel to Germany for the 2011 World Cup, in which they will more than likely talk about the 1999 women’s soccer team with so much reverence that it’ll literally make you want to puke all over the place.

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