adBlockCheck

Recent News

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Memphis Airport Panda Express Takes Over As Nation's Most Depressing Place

MEMPHIS, TN—With its combination of flickering fluorescent lights, seats facing a Delta security checkpoint, and day-old lo mein noodles sticking to its teal-colored tiled floors, Memphis Airport’s Panda Express is now the the nation’s most depressing place, sources confirmed Tuesday. “We found listening to alternating English and Spanish safety announcements while eating orange chicken at 10 in the morning to have a soul-crushing quality unlike anywhere else in America,” said US News & World Report list editor Brian Kelly, adding that the chinese fast food restaurant became the nation’s saddest location after overtaking a concession stand at a Flint, MI, dollar-movie theater. “The Panda Express had been holding steady at number two for several years, but once they switched from red and yellow paper plates decorated with Chinese dragons to plain-white Styrofoam containers, that took it over the top.” Other locations that made this year’s list were a Boca Raton, FL, burn ward, the House of Representatives, and wherever 34-year-old Fairfax, VA, resident Nate Clement happens to be.

More from this section

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close