The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.
PITTSBURGH—Radio station WXPT was flooded with calls from more than 140,000 members of the United States military Monday thanking a local woman for dedicating Aerosmith's "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing" to them during the quitting-time rock block on Pittsburgh's Home of Classic Rock. "The armed forces in Iraq are eternally grateful to Judy Walther of Lawrenceville, PA for picking up the phone, dialing the WXPT hotline, and waiting on hold for 43 grueling seconds," Gen. David Petraeus said in a personal call to the station's general manager. "We didn't deserve it, and we couldn't hear it, but we all appreciate this brave woman's service to her country. Ma'am, you did more for us with that one song than all the body armor in the world could have." Petraeus in turn dedicated an upcoming tactical operation to Walther that will include the shelling of a suspected terrorist safehouse in Tikrit.