adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
End Of Section
  • More News

Men And Women Of Armed Forces Thank Local Woman For Song Dedication

PITTSBURGH—Radio station WXPT was flooded with calls from more than 140,000 members of the United States military Monday thanking a local woman for dedicating Aerosmith's "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing" to them during the quitting-time rock block on Pittsburgh's Home of Classic Rock. "The armed forces in Iraq are eternally grateful to Judy Walther of Lawrenceville, PA for picking up the phone, dialing the WXPT hotline, and waiting on hold for 43 grueling seconds," Gen. David Petraeus said in a personal call to the station's general manager. "We didn't deserve it, and we couldn't hear it, but we all appreciate this brave woman's service to her country. Ma'am, you did more for us with that one song than all the body armor in the world could have." Petraeus in turn dedicated an upcoming tactical operation to Walther that will include the shelling of a suspected terrorist safehouse in Tikrit.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close