adBlockCheck

Men And Women Of Armed Forces Thank Local Woman For Song Dedication

Top Headlines

Local

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Men And Women Of Armed Forces Thank Local Woman For Song Dedication

PITTSBURGH—Radio station WXPT was flooded with calls from more than 140,000 members of the United States military Monday thanking a local woman for dedicating Aerosmith's "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing" to them during the quitting-time rock block on Pittsburgh's Home of Classic Rock. "The armed forces in Iraq are eternally grateful to Judy Walther of Lawrenceville, PA for picking up the phone, dialing the WXPT hotline, and waiting on hold for 43 grueling seconds," Gen. David Petraeus said in a personal call to the station's general manager. "We didn't deserve it, and we couldn't hear it, but we all appreciate this brave woman's service to her country. Ma'am, you did more for us with that one song than all the body armor in the world could have." Petraeus in turn dedicated an upcoming tactical operation to Walther that will include the shelling of a suspected terrorist safehouse in Tikrit.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close