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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Men Standing Behind Backstop With Radar Guns Exchange Impressed Glances

Lakeland, FL—During a recent throwing session by Tigers' top prospect Rick Porcello, two men holding radar guns in the bleachers behind home plate could be seen shooting each other knowing glances, shaking their heads, and letting out low whistles after each pitch. "Kid's got an arm," one man said while lifting his hat and scratching his head with the same hand just before spitting a stream of tobacco juice between his teeth. His companion, a large man in suspenders who punctuated his comments by mopping his brow, seemed to agree, remarking that he had "been around for a long time" and had "never seen anything like it." The men went on to remark that they had not seen an arm like that since Yankee great Steve Nebraska or Cubs great Henry Rowengartner.

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