adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
End Of Section
  • More News

Mental Hospital Fire Leaves Hundreds Of Demons Homeless

QUEENS, NY—Hundreds of demons were left hovering bodiless over New York's Creedmore Mental Hospital Sunday, as a fire consumed the facility, killing all 355 of its patients and much of its staff. Firefighters and emergency medical technicians struggled to reunite the demons with the bodies they had possessed, but no survivors could be found. Though area shelters say they may not have room for all the demons, most of the displaced remain optimistic. "I'm not too worried," said one demon as it huddled near a firetruck, wrapped in a blanket and sipping a cup of hot cocoa provided by Red Cross volunteers. "I'm sure pretty soon I'll find a suitable host human who will succumb to my temptations and give his body up to me."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close