adBlockCheck

Local

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News

Mentally Ill Man Not In Mood To Gun Down Strangers, But Glad To Know That Option There If Needed

CLEVELAND—Saying that while he “wasn’t really in the mood” to gun down a group of random strangers at the moment, mentally ill man Waylon Birch told reporters this afternoon that he was, however, happy to know the option was available to him should the urge occur. “Honestly, I’m just not feeling up to running into some public area and massacring dozens of innocent people with an assault weapon right now, but it’s nice that the option is technically always there for me in case I change my mind,” said the psychotic and unhinged Birch, who takes comfort knowing he could always take some time out of his day to make a legal purchase of a semi-automatic rifle at a local gun store and then make his way to the nearest shopping mall, office, or school and murder as many people as he’d like. “I may not want to now, per se, but if I suddenly get the urge later today to go to the park and start shooting everyone there, that would be quite easy for me to do given our current laws. It’s just nice to have options, you know?” At press time, Birch told reporters that all this gun talk was actually starting to get him in the mood to visit a nearby gun store.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close