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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Mentally Ill Man Not In Mood To Gun Down Strangers, But Glad To Know That Option There If Needed

CLEVELAND—Saying that while he “wasn’t really in the mood” to gun down a group of random strangers at the moment, mentally ill man Waylon Birch told reporters this afternoon that he was, however, happy to know the option was available to him should the urge occur. “Honestly, I’m just not feeling up to running into some public area and massacring dozens of innocent people with an assault weapon right now, but it’s nice that the option is technically always there for me in case I change my mind,” said the psychotic and unhinged Birch, who takes comfort knowing he could always take some time out of his day to make a legal purchase of a semi-automatic rifle at a local gun store and then make his way to the nearest shopping mall, office, or school and murder as many people as he’d like. “I may not want to now, per se, but if I suddenly get the urge later today to go to the park and start shooting everyone there, that would be quite easy for me to do given our current laws. It’s just nice to have options, you know?” At press time, Birch told reporters that all this gun talk was actually starting to get him in the mood to visit a nearby gun store.

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

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