adBlockCheck

Mentally Ill Man Not In Mood To Gun Down Strangers, But Glad To Know That Option There If Needed

Top Headlines

Local

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Mentally Ill Man Not In Mood To Gun Down Strangers, But Glad To Know That Option There If Needed

CLEVELAND—Saying that while he “wasn’t really in the mood” to gun down a group of random strangers at the moment, mentally ill man Waylon Birch told reporters this afternoon that he was, however, happy to know the option was available to him should the urge occur. “Honestly, I’m just not feeling up to running into some public area and massacring dozens of innocent people with an assault weapon right now, but it’s nice that the option is technically always there for me in case I change my mind,” said the psychotic and unhinged Birch, who takes comfort knowing he could always take some time out of his day to make a legal purchase of a semi-automatic rifle at a local gun store and then make his way to the nearest shopping mall, office, or school and murder as many people as he’d like. “I may not want to now, per se, but if I suddenly get the urge later today to go to the park and start shooting everyone there, that would be quite easy for me to do given our current laws. It’s just nice to have options, you know?” At press time, Birch told reporters that all this gun talk was actually starting to get him in the mood to visit a nearby gun store.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close