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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Menu Describes Diner's Pancakes As 'World Famous'

FT. COLLINS, CO– A laminated paper menu for Smitty's Diner on Hwy. 32 describes the eatery's pancakes as "world famous," patron Annette Larouche discovered Monday. "Well, I guess I've been hiding under a rock," Larouche said. "I can't believe I made it this far in life without hearing of Smitty's World Famous Pancakes. Apparently, this is something people throughout Europe and Asia know all about." The menu also praised the eatery for "The Best Apple Pie Ever To Touch The Lips Of A Mortal."

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