Supreme Court

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

Teens Throwing Rocks At Overgrown, Long-Vacant Supreme Court Seat

WASHINGTON—Trading legends they had heard about the old chair as they gathered together a safe distance from the abandoned, dilapidated structure, a group of neighborhood teens reportedly stopped while passing through Capitol Hill this afternoon and spent several minutes throwing rocks at the heavily overgrown, long-vacant Supreme Court seat.

Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.
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Merrick Garland Kind Of Uncomfortable With Political Analysts Casually Pointing Out He’ll Die Relatively Soon After Nomination

WASHINGTON—Having followed the media coverage surrounding his nomination to the Supreme Court, 63-year-old appeals court judge Merrick Garland reported Thursday that he is actually pretty uncomfortable with the number of political analysts who have been casually pointing out that he will die relatively soon. “Over the past 24 hours, I’ve read literally dozens of articles offhandedly mentioning how I’m the oldest Supreme Court nominee in more than 40 years and suggesting that I’ll be dead in the not-so-distant future, and, for me at least, that happens to be a little off-putting,” said the centrist jurist, explaining that while he’s fully aware how old he is, he would have kind of appreciated not having to repeatedly read such phrases as “given Garland’s advanced age, he would sit on the Supreme Court bench a relatively short amount of time,” which hint at his looming demise. “I understand that my age is relevant, especially because this would be a lifetime appointment, but I’d ask journalists to just keep in mind how disconcerting it would be to see a front-page editorial arguing that you will not only cease to exist in a mere handful of years, but that, in some ways, this is a good thing because it puts a limit on how much the president can influence the court’s direction. I can’t say this has been the most fun thing for me or my family to read.” Garland added that he was pleased, however, with the way political analysts were casually characterizing Senate Republicans as petulant children who live in their own self-obsessed world divorced from reality.

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