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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Mesmerized Kevin Ware Can't Stop Watching Video Of His Leg Breaking On YouTube

INDIANAPOLIS—After suffering a gruesome compound fracture during last weekend’s NCAA Midwest Regional final, Louisville guard Kevin Ware has been constantly rewatching a minute-long clip of his leg breaking on YouTube, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Whoa,” said Ware, who reportedly muttered to himself as he played the footage of his right tibia violently snapping in half for the 24th consecutive time. “It’s completely disgusting, but I can’t stop watching it. Christ, if you go back to the 25-second mark you can definitely see the bone come through the skin and blood spill all over the court.” At press time, a completely silent Ware was watching a continuously looping three-second GIF of his shin bending at a 90-degree angle in slow motion.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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