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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Mesmerized Kevin Ware Can't Stop Watching Video Of His Leg Breaking On YouTube

INDIANAPOLIS—After suffering a gruesome compound fracture during last weekend’s NCAA Midwest Regional final, Louisville guard Kevin Ware has been constantly rewatching a minute-long clip of his leg breaking on YouTube, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Whoa,” said Ware, who reportedly muttered to himself as he played the footage of his right tibia violently snapping in half for the 24th consecutive time. “It’s completely disgusting, but I can’t stop watching it. Christ, if you go back to the 25-second mark you can definitely see the bone come through the skin and blood spill all over the court.” At press time, a completely silent Ware was watching a continuously looping three-second GIF of his shin bending at a 90-degree angle in slow motion.

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