Message From The Mayor

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

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Message From The Mayor

A special message from Mayor Sue Hallinan:

“Just wanted to let folks know that there’s going to be a whole bunch of commotion down at Tuffy’s this evening as several members of the national press will be in town. In case you haven’t heard, our boy Tuffy has had the distinct honor of being the man who officially ended the American Dream when he decided to give up on turning Tuffy’s into a bar & grill.

Just so you know, we are going to be closing off Hoover Street between 4th and 5th streets to handle the crowd, but if you’re in the neighborhood come on over! Drinks are going to be half price, Dale will be out there selling hot dogs, and Lucille will be doing some face painting for the kids. However, I just want to remind you that if you are given the opportunity to talk to one of the reporters, remember that you are a representative of Pennington and should be on your best behavior, and please don’t bring up last week’s IHOP fire. We’re still investigating that. See you all tonight and congratulations, Tuffy!”