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Message From The Mayor

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Message From The Mayor

A special message from Mayor Sue Hallinan:

“Just wanted to let folks know that there’s going to be a whole bunch of commotion down at Tuffy’s this evening as several members of the national press will be in town. In case you haven’t heard, our boy Tuffy has had the distinct honor of being the man who officially ended the American Dream when he decided to give up on turning Tuffy’s into a bar & grill.

Just so you know, we are going to be closing off Hoover Street between 4th and 5th streets to handle the crowd, but if you’re in the neighborhood come on over! Drinks are going to be half price, Dale will be out there selling hot dogs, and Lucille will be doing some face painting for the kids. However, I just want to remind you that if you are given the opportunity to talk to one of the reporters, remember that you are a representative of Pennington and should be on your best behavior, and please don’t bring up last week’s IHOP fire. We’re still investigating that. See you all tonight and congratulations, Tuffy!”


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