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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.
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Message From The Mayor

A special message from Mayor Sue Hallinan:

“Just wanted to let folks know that there’s going to be a whole bunch of commotion down at Tuffy’s this evening as several members of the national press will be in town. In case you haven’t heard, our boy Tuffy has had the distinct honor of being the man who officially ended the American Dream when he decided to give up on turning Tuffy’s into a bar & grill.

Just so you know, we are going to be closing off Hoover Street between 4th and 5th streets to handle the crowd, but if you’re in the neighborhood come on over! Drinks are going to be half price, Dale will be out there selling hot dogs, and Lucille will be doing some face painting for the kids. However, I just want to remind you that if you are given the opportunity to talk to one of the reporters, remember that you are a representative of Pennington and should be on your best behavior, and please don’t bring up last week’s IHOP fire. We’re still investigating that. See you all tonight and congratulations, Tuffy!”


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