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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Message Under Juice Cap Totally Applies To Area Woman

GOOSE CREEK, TX–An inspirational message printed on the underside of an Elliott's Amazing Apple Juice bottle cap "totally applies" to area resident Carole Smith, 38. "It says, 'Often the things we search for most are already here.' That is so true," said Smith, opening the bottle. "Like friends and family and stuff." Smith praised the juice cap as "so deep."

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