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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Messi: ‘I’m Sorry I Let Down The People Of Barcelona’

RIO DE JANEIRO—After suffering a crushing defeat to Germany in Sunday’s World Cup final, visibly emotional Argentina star Lionel Messi offered a heartfelt apology to all of his fellow compatriots in Barcelona. “To everyone back home in Barcelona: I’m sorry I couldn’t win it for you,” Messi told reporters, adding that he had hoped to parade the hallowed World Cup trophy through the streets of Catalonia. “It was always my dream to win this honor for my people, but I gave absolutely everything I had on the field and just fell short. Even in defeat, I can honestly say I’ve never felt more proud to be Catalan.” Sources close to Messi later confirmed his private fear that after his disappointing performance in the final, he will never be able to show his face in Catalonia again.

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