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President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Tide Debuts New Sour Apple Detergent Pods

CINCINNATI—Calling it the perfect choice for consumers looking to add some tartness to their laundry, Procter and Gamble on Tuesday unveiled a new sour apple Tide detergent pod.

The iPhone Turns 10

A decade ago today, Apple released the iPhone and revolutionized the way humans use technology. Here’s a look back at the evolution of the iPhone:

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.
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Metallica Board Of Directors Debates Whether New Riff Will Have Negative Impact On Shareholder Value

LOS ANGELES—Weighing the pros and cons of the palm-muted low-E-string lick, Metallica’s 12-member board of directors reportedly debated Wednesday whether lead guitarist Kirk Hammett’s newest riff might negatively impact the band’s shareholder value. “Frankly, I don’t see any downside—when Kirk drops in after the intro with that feedback-heavy all-out assault on the lower register, it just melts your fucking face off,” said band CEO Don Herbst, rebutting the claim made by some of his colleagues that, given the current business climate, shareholders stood to “lose their asses” on a stripped-back Master Of Puppets–era hook dominated by cleanly picked minor dyads. “I get the argument that you might be able to goose your ROI by a few percentage points with a tremolo groove that gets more and more vicious with each repetition. But to hack its balls off by cutting the tempo to anything less than 180 [beats per minute] would be ludicrous from a cost-benefit perspective.” According to reports, the board later voted to sell off 200,000 units of stock to finance a chest-exploding, Trujillo-driven bass harmony.

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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

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