adBlockCheck

Meteorologists Report Sky Just A Little Bluer Today, And It’s Because Minneapolis Resident Doug Bramowski’s In Love

Top Headlines

Local

Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Meteorologists Report Sky Just A Little Bluer Today, And It’s Because Minneapolis Resident Doug Bramowski’s In Love

With low humidity and blue skies for miles, meteorologists say ol’ Dougie Boy is most definitely in love, and it’s for real.
With low humidity and blue skies for miles, meteorologists say ol’ Dougie Boy is most definitely in love, and it’s for real.

MINNEAPOLIS—The National Weather Service is reporting that the clouds over Minneapolis have parted, the sun is shining, and the sky is just a little bluer today—and it’s all because 38-year-old Doug Bramowski is in love, folks.

NWS meteorologists predict that since Bramowski’s head over heels for Abby Feldman and, by golly, she’s crazy about him, too, Twin Cities residents will be enjoying particularly beautiful weather this weekend with highs in the mid-to-upper 70s, unusually low humidity, and crystal-clear skies as far as the eye can see.

“We have St. Paul at 81 degrees, Montevideo holding steady at 83, Grand Forks, you’re looking gorgeous, and ladies and gentlemen, that’s all thanks to the fact that our own local Romeo is sitting pretty with a new lady love who’s put a pep in his step and a twinkle in his eye,” said local news station KSTP TV’s chief meteorologist Steven Meola. “Yes sir, Doug Bramowski’s heart’s soaring and he’s bringing our Saturday highs right along with him. And we’re expecting these perfect conditions to hold, folks, because there is no one as fantastic as the one and only Abby Feldman.”

Experts say it doesn’t take a meteorologist to tell romance is in the air here, folks.

“Abby’s special, all right,” the weatherman continued. “She’s perfect, just like our seven-day extended forecast: blue skies for miles and spectacular visibility—just as spectacular as the way Abby makes Doug feel inside. She makes him feel like a man. Like he really matters, you know? All right, Doug!”

According to Meola, the birds are chirping and the flowers are in bloom because old Dougie boy—that’s right, the very same sourpuss who wondered just three weeks ago if true love was really out there—has a date tonight!

Now that Cupid’s making these lovebirds see the world through rose-colored glasses, weather officials confirmed that Minneapolis residents are seeing not just beautiful conditions during the day, but at night the temperatures should be a comfortable 58 degrees, and the stars will come out—beautiful stars, the kind of stars you finally notice when you’re in love.

In addition to a high barometric pressure and a low dew point, Meola reported that the air should smell just a little bit sweeter, and if you listen closely, the slight breeze will be whistling a happy tune just for you, because ever since he set eyes on the lovely lady he’s thrilled to call his own, Bramowski’s been walking on air—dry air that should be expected to linger in the area for quite some time because Abby’s the real deal, yesiree.

Don’t tell anyone, meteorologists warned, but old Doug’s thinking about inviting her home to meet his parents.

“After a couple of years of near constant gloomy conditions, The Love Doug is back, so the Twin Cities can expect that summer sun to shine, shine, shine on!” Meola said. “After all, Hurricane Sara was nearly eight months ago, so it’s about time the one and only Mr. Douglas James Bramowski opened up those shades and let the sunlight back into his heart.”

Meola went on to say that the warmer air pushing into the region is encouraging, given the unseasonably cold temperatures that characterized the past few months while Bramowski was getting over his ex. However, the sparks flying between him and Abby are expected to brighten up the sky from here on out because he’s nuts about her, she’s looney-tunes for the lucky dog, and they’ve got that once-in-a-lifetime connection that most people only dream about.

“As you’re making your weekend picnicking plans, just keep in mind that a mere 8 percent chance of precipitation is nothing to worry about considering our loverboy Doug is 100 percent head over heels for Abby, ladies and gentlemen,” Meola said. “As long as he doesn’t lose his sense of self in the relationship like he did last time, these two lovebirds will be enjoying their new romance and we’ll be enjoying clear, dry, and pleasant weather right through the weekend and into the middle of next week.”

“The 10-day—hell—the 50-year forecast is looking perfect!” he added.

While conditions in Minneapolis are absolutely gorgeous, NWS officials are keeping an eye on a possible disturbance in the Northwest region where the potential for heavy winds or even a tornado isn’t out of the question, as things are looking increasingly bad for Duluth area resident Barbara McKean.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close