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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.
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Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent. “This year’s peak hurricane season will be longer than usual, beginning in fall and lasting for the remainder of time,” said NWS senior meteorologist Robert Doherty, adding that citizens should take appropriate precautions by keeping enough candles and bottled water on hand to last the rest of their lives. “Because tropical storms this season are also expected to be the strongest on record, it’s extremely important that everyone check their local weather forecast if they’re planning to head outdoors sometime between now and the death of the solar system. If we work together in the days, months, and eons ahead, we can make sure this hurricane season is safe for everyone.” Doherty added that extra precautions should be taken by coastal communities along the Eastern Seaboard and along whatever future coastlines exist as the tectonic plates continue to reshape the contours of Earth’s crust.

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