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As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

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PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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Meth Actually Not That Bad For You, Report Doctors Dismantling Stereo

Doctors in the process of dismantling a stereo system say meth can, in fact, be very good for you.
Doctors in the process of dismantling a stereo system say meth can, in fact, be very good for you.

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging a growing scientific consensus over the dangers of methamphetamines, a team of doctors frantically prying apart and dismantling a stereo system released the findings of a new study Friday concluding that the synthetic drug actually isn’t really that bad for you.

Speaking from a filthy, trash-littered basement in an abandoned building near Boston’s Mt. Auburn Hospital, the group of pallid physicians told reporters their research provides striking evidence that the psychostimulant has been erroneously classified by the medical community as a dangerous substance, when it in fact has few discernible downsides.

The four medical professionals ripping wires out of a stereo receiver and inspecting it for hidden surveillance devices also maintained that meth, in fact, may actually be quite good for you.

“According to our own studies, meth is fine for you—completely fine,” lead researcher Dr. Meredith Walters said in agreement with several dirty, disheveled physicians disassembling the circuit breakers in an amplifier box. “They say that using meth causes premature aging, psychological dependency, and a bunch of other things. But if you look at the data with an open mind, you’ll see that it doesn’t do that at all. In reality, meth actually makes you better. Much better.”

“I think I can get these wires apart with my teeth,” she added. “I just have to get my mouth around [imperceptible].”

According to the doctors’ research, which was conducted over the past straight 96 hours, methamphetamine and its derivatives confer a wide range of benefits to users. During trials on subjects between the ages of 50 and 53, for example, the team found that small amounts of crystallized meth were shown to drastically improve mental processing, physical strength, and emotional experience, effects that only intensified as doses of the drug were increased.

In one particular study conducted on a 51-year-old male subject, researchers observed the drug produce a range of positive side effects allowing the subject to organize an entire closet full of scalpels, make important discoveries about friends’ medical histories, and discern formerly imperceptible diseases and bacteria festering within public spaces.

Doctors confirmed that if you use the “really good, high-quality stuff,” the effects are even more pronounced.

“I have personally run a series of clinical tests on the substance and can confirm that it’s pretty fucking great—really fucking great, in fact,” associate researcher Dr. James Coffey told reporters as he removed his shirt and rubbed his naked torso against the wall. “It doesn’t even matter whether you smoke it, inhale it, inject, eat it, or whatever, it does the same thing. The only bad part is when it wears off.”

“You tell anyone else about it, though, and I’ll kill you,” Dr. Coffey added. “I’ll fucking kill you, chief. No joke.”

Doctors stressed that though their findings were potentially groundbreaking, more comprehensive research cannot be published unless the results are repeated in subsequent experiments. Thus, after the team has successfully opened a subwoofer and removed its magnet, which they hope to sell in order to finance their research, they then plan to conduct further trials.

When asked about their hopes for publication and peer review, doctors said they are confident—extremely, incredibly confident—that their research will eventually reach a wider audience.

“Shhhhhhhhh,” Coffey told reporters while wedging his torso beneath the frame of a futon. “Quiet.”

At press time, doctors were staring intently at a pile of screws.

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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