adBlockCheck

International

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Methushael Begets Lamech

JERUSALEM—According to a report released Monday by Pentateuch officials, 930-year-old area resident Adam had two sons, Abel and Cain, and Cain begat Enoch, and Enoch begat Mehujal, and Mehujal begat Methushael, and Methushael begat Lamech.

Joktan, who begat Almodad, Sheleph, Hazarmaveth, Jerah, Hadoram, Uzul, Diklah, Obal, Abimael, Shebah, Ophir, Havilah, and Jobab.

The 1,329-page report, compiled over a two-millennia period, went on to state that Lamech, 777, took unto him two wives, and knew them, and Lamech begat Jabal and Tubalcain.

The report also noted that God, a prominent area deity and dispenser of justice, appointed upon Adam another seed in the stead of Abel, who was killed by Cain. And so did Adam beget Seth, and Seth begat Enos, and Enos begat Cainan, and Cainan begat Mahalaheel, and Mahalaheel begat Jared, and Jared begat Enoch, and Enoch begat Methusaleh, and Methusaleh begat Lamech, and Lamech begat Noah. And Noah begat Ham, Shem and Japeth.

Revealing the Word to assembled reporters, Pentateuch officials said that Noah, who found grace in the eyes of the Lord, was spared when the fountains of the great deep were opened up, and the windows of heaven were also opened.

"Be fruitful, and multiply," God reportedly told Noah, "and replenish the earth." And the sons of Noah were Ham, Shem, and Japeth, and unto them were sons born after the flood.

According to "P," a member of the team that compiled the report, Japeth begat Gomer, Magog, Madai, and Javan, Tubal, Meshech, and Tiras. P also noted that Gomer begat Ashkenaz, Ripath and Togarmah, and that Javan begat Elishah, Tarshish, Kittim, and Dodanim.

Unto Shem, the report stated, also were children born. "And Shem begat Arphachad, and Arphachad begat Saleh, and Saleh begat Eber," it said.

The 617-year-old Eber then begat two sons: Peleg, in whose days was the earth allegedly divided, and Joktan. Joktan, 297, then begat Almodad, Sheleph, Hazarmaveth, Jerah, Hadoram, Uzul, Diklah, Obal, Abimael, Shebah, Ophir, Havilah, and Jobab.

"And Peleg begat Reu," P told reporters. "And Reu begat Serug, and Serug begat Nahor, and Nahor begat Terah, and Terah begat Abraham and Haran, and Haran begat Lot.

Despite the fact that Abraham had no seed, for Sarah his wife was barren, the Lord reportedly visited Sarah, and so did Abraham in his old age beget Isaac. Isaac knew Rebekah, and begat him twins, and they were Esau, whom witnesses described as "a hairy man," and Jacob, a smooth man.

The sons of Jacob, the report said, were the following: Reuben, Simeon, Levi, Judah, Isschar, Zebulun, Joseph, Benjamin, Dan, Naphtali, Gad, and Asher. Described as "fruitful," the children of Israel did multiply and waxed exceedingly mighty. And the land was filled with them.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close