Methushael Begets Lamech

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Vol 32 Issue 15

Southern Comfort Comforts Southerner

SMYRNA, TN—A well-known brand of alcohol proved worthy of its name Sunday as a bottle of Southern Comfort comforted Southerner Melvin Shifflett, providing him with a warm sense of well-being as he retreated into the soothing glow of intoxication. "I am definitely comforted right now," the 34-year-old Shifflett said. "The high alcohol content of this whiskey, not to mention its pleasant cherry flavor, has made me forget all about the pain of my recent divorce and mounting credit-card debt."

Six-Year-Old Announces Plans To Become Ballerina Gymnast Veterinarian Horseback-Riding Princess

MILESBURG, PA—In a pre-bedtime announcement before family members Monday, area six-year-old Stephanie Ambrose unveiled plans to become a ballerina gymnast veterinarian horseback-riding princess when she grows up. "Ashley is very much interested in that particular field," said Ambrose’s mother Patricia. "But she’s still keeping her options open: She’s also considering becoming an astronaut actress president basketball-playing magic fairy."

Area Gym Class Prepares For Mandatory Exposure Of Penises To Peers

ROANOKE, VA—It was learned Monday that male students in Riverview Middle School’s fourth-period gym class are preparing, as they do before every scheduled hour of physical education, for mandatory exposure of their near-hairless, tiny, adolescent penises to the scrutiny of their peers. "Everyone’s got to be completely nude," said gym teacher Randall Slavin. "Anyone refusing to participate in the group nudity will be disciplined under school policy." Said seventh-grader Tim Hilfer: "I’d known James Ketchner ever since he and his mom moved here from Phoenix. We’ve been in school together a long time, but in all those years I’d never seen his penis. Now, I see his penis five days a week, and he sees mine."

North Korea Ranked Least-Entertained Nation On Earth

UNITED NATIONS—A U.N. study released Tuesday revealed that North Korea is the least-entertained nation on earth. The notoriously isolated Communist nation ranked last in all 57 of the study’s entertainment-related statistical subcategories, including celebrity-to-ordinary-citizen ratio, number of Nintendo 64s per thousand persons, and per capita fun. "These North Koreans are starving for the sort of Hollywood-style thrills that we take for granted here in the U.S.," Secretary of State Madeleine Albright said. "It’s tragic."

War And Remembrance

To-day is Armistice Day, the day when we remember those who have fallen in battle defending our great Republic. I myself never served in the military, but I am proud to say that throughout my long life, I have instigated much violence and blood-shed.

Seize Him!

Ah, yes. I see you have captured my elusive Earthling quarry at last. Well done, guard! You have greatly pleased your master. Bring him forward at once! I wish to speak with him face to face... before his annihilation.

The Basics Of Cruising

Hola amigos. How's it hangin'? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but a lot of shit's been going down in Jim's part of town. See, I been working my ass off at this new job. You know how on trucks they have those running boards which are black, but they aren't painted because paint would come off real fast? Well, I work at a place where we put some black-powder crap onto the metal running boards and bake it for a while so it won't come off, even if you go off-roading. I guess you'd call me a powder boy, 'cause I apply the powder to the metal.

Ergonomic Advisors Call For $30 Million In Federal Lumbar Support

WASHINGTON, DC—Calling America’s current ergonomic situation "terribly strenuous on the nation’s lower-back region," a panel of top ergonomic advisors called upon Congress Monday to pass legislation allocating $30 million in federal lumbar support. "If the government does not begin addressing the problems facing the U.S. ergonomy," said MIT ergonomist Bryan Lam, "this nation will be unable to stand up in a few years."
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Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

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Methushael Begets Lamech

JERUSALEM—According to a report released Monday by Pentateuch officials, 930-year-old area resident Adam had two sons, Abel and Cain, and Cain begat Enoch, and Enoch begat Mehujal, and Mehujal begat Methushael, and Methushael begat Lamech.

Joktan, who begat Almodad, Sheleph, Hazarmaveth, Jerah, Hadoram, Uzul, Diklah, Obal, Abimael, Shebah, Ophir, Havilah, and Jobab.

The 1,329-page report, compiled over a two-millennia period, went on to state that Lamech, 777, took unto him two wives, and knew them, and Lamech begat Jabal and Tubalcain.

The report also noted that God, a prominent area deity and dispenser of justice, appointed upon Adam another seed in the stead of Abel, who was killed by Cain. And so did Adam beget Seth, and Seth begat Enos, and Enos begat Cainan, and Cainan begat Mahalaheel, and Mahalaheel begat Jared, and Jared begat Enoch, and Enoch begat Methusaleh, and Methusaleh begat Lamech, and Lamech begat Noah. And Noah begat Ham, Shem and Japeth.

Revealing the Word to assembled reporters, Pentateuch officials said that Noah, who found grace in the eyes of the Lord, was spared when the fountains of the great deep were opened up, and the windows of heaven were also opened.

"Be fruitful, and multiply," God reportedly told Noah, "and replenish the earth." And the sons of Noah were Ham, Shem, and Japeth, and unto them were sons born after the flood.

According to "P," a member of the team that compiled the report, Japeth begat Gomer, Magog, Madai, and Javan, Tubal, Meshech, and Tiras. P also noted that Gomer begat Ashkenaz, Ripath and Togarmah, and that Javan begat Elishah, Tarshish, Kittim, and Dodanim.

Unto Shem, the report stated, also were children born. "And Shem begat Arphachad, and Arphachad begat Saleh, and Saleh begat Eber," it said.

The 617-year-old Eber then begat two sons: Peleg, in whose days was the earth allegedly divided, and Joktan. Joktan, 297, then begat Almodad, Sheleph, Hazarmaveth, Jerah, Hadoram, Uzul, Diklah, Obal, Abimael, Shebah, Ophir, Havilah, and Jobab.

"And Peleg begat Reu," P told reporters. "And Reu begat Serug, and Serug begat Nahor, and Nahor begat Terah, and Terah begat Abraham and Haran, and Haran begat Lot.

Despite the fact that Abraham had no seed, for Sarah his wife was barren, the Lord reportedly visited Sarah, and so did Abraham in his old age beget Isaac. Isaac knew Rebekah, and begat him twins, and they were Esau, whom witnesses described as "a hairy man," and Jacob, a smooth man.

The sons of Jacob, the report said, were the following: Reuben, Simeon, Levi, Judah, Isschar, Zebulun, Joseph, Benjamin, Dan, Naphtali, Gad, and Asher. Described as "fruitful," the children of Israel did multiply and waxed exceedingly mighty. And the land was filled with them.

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