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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.
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Methushael Begets Lamech

JERUSALEM—According to a report released Monday by Pentateuch officials, 930-year-old area resident Adam had two sons, Abel and Cain, and Cain begat Enoch, and Enoch begat Mehujal, and Mehujal begat Methushael, and Methushael begat Lamech.

Joktan, who begat Almodad, Sheleph, Hazarmaveth, Jerah, Hadoram, Uzul, Diklah, Obal, Abimael, Shebah, Ophir, Havilah, and Jobab.

The 1,329-page report, compiled over a two-millennia period, went on to state that Lamech, 777, took unto him two wives, and knew them, and Lamech begat Jabal and Tubalcain.

The report also noted that God, a prominent area deity and dispenser of justice, appointed upon Adam another seed in the stead of Abel, who was killed by Cain. And so did Adam beget Seth, and Seth begat Enos, and Enos begat Cainan, and Cainan begat Mahalaheel, and Mahalaheel begat Jared, and Jared begat Enoch, and Enoch begat Methusaleh, and Methusaleh begat Lamech, and Lamech begat Noah. And Noah begat Ham, Shem and Japeth.

Revealing the Word to assembled reporters, Pentateuch officials said that Noah, who found grace in the eyes of the Lord, was spared when the fountains of the great deep were opened up, and the windows of heaven were also opened.

"Be fruitful, and multiply," God reportedly told Noah, "and replenish the earth." And the sons of Noah were Ham, Shem, and Japeth, and unto them were sons born after the flood.

According to "P," a member of the team that compiled the report, Japeth begat Gomer, Magog, Madai, and Javan, Tubal, Meshech, and Tiras. P also noted that Gomer begat Ashkenaz, Ripath and Togarmah, and that Javan begat Elishah, Tarshish, Kittim, and Dodanim.

Unto Shem, the report stated, also were children born. "And Shem begat Arphachad, and Arphachad begat Saleh, and Saleh begat Eber," it said.

The 617-year-old Eber then begat two sons: Peleg, in whose days was the earth allegedly divided, and Joktan. Joktan, 297, then begat Almodad, Sheleph, Hazarmaveth, Jerah, Hadoram, Uzul, Diklah, Obal, Abimael, Shebah, Ophir, Havilah, and Jobab.

"And Peleg begat Reu," P told reporters. "And Reu begat Serug, and Serug begat Nahor, and Nahor begat Terah, and Terah begat Abraham and Haran, and Haran begat Lot.

Despite the fact that Abraham had no seed, for Sarah his wife was barren, the Lord reportedly visited Sarah, and so did Abraham in his old age beget Isaac. Isaac knew Rebekah, and begat him twins, and they were Esau, whom witnesses described as "a hairy man," and Jacob, a smooth man.

The sons of Jacob, the report said, were the following: Reuben, Simeon, Levi, Judah, Isschar, Zebulun, Joseph, Benjamin, Dan, Naphtali, Gad, and Asher. Described as "fruitful," the children of Israel did multiply and waxed exceedingly mighty. And the land was filled with them.

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