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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Mets Acquire Guillermo Mota From Indians In Daring Midnight Raid

CLEVELAND—Mets GM Omar Minaya announced yesterday that Guillermo Mota has checked out as healthy and relatively unscathed after being acquired last Sunday at midnight when intrepid Mets scouts used smoke grenades and the cover of a moonless night to rappel into Cleveland's Jacobs Field and acquire the 33-year-old right-hander. "We expect Guillermo to report as soon as the effects of our tranquilizer dart have worn off," said Minaya, who began planning the operation soon after Mota impressed him by beaning then-Mets catcher Mike Piazza with a pitch in the spring of 2003. "Once he comes to and realizes he's a Met, we expect his gratitude to show in a high standard of play, just like Orlando Hernandez did when we smuggled him out of the Diamondbacks camp in that laundry cart." The Indians organization has released a statement saying they will be seeking compensation in the form of a Mets player to be suddenly, swiftly, and silently named later.

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