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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Mets Fans Perplexed By New Stadium's Prominent Tim Teufel Statue

NEW YORK—Although an undeniable atmosphere of excitement swirled around new Mets ballpark Citi Field at its unofficial opening Friday, many of the team's fans were put off by an 18-foot-tall bronze statue of Tim Teufel displayed in the center of the Jackie Robinson Rotunda. "From far away I thought it was a really nice tribute to Tom Seaver or Darryl Strawberry, but then, boom, there's Tim Teufel," fan Kevin McGoey said about the statue, which includes a plaque commemorating the second baseman's career .254 average and 86 home runs. "Actually, I had to read the little placard underneath to figure out who it was. I mean, we've had Mike Piazza, Lenny Dykstra.... Even a Robin Ventura statue would make a lot more sense. And man, is it big. Does it have to be so big?" Other notable features of Citi Field include a mural of Jerry Grote portraits, a giant scoreboard in the shape of Benny Agbayani, and lemonade served by Dwight Gooden himself.

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