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Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Mets Release Mets

PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla—In an attempt to move the organization into a new era, the New York Mets announced Friday they will part ways with the New York Mets, releasing all 40 of its roster players and its entire farm system. "They were given a fair chance to prove themselves, but they've shown a disappointing lack of productivity for the past 64 years," Mets general manager Sandy Alderson told reporters, citing the 1988 NLCS, the 1999 NLCS, the Subway Series, the 2006 NLCS, the 2007 and 2008 collapses, seven consecutive losing seasons in the 1960s, the decision to trade Nolan Ryan, K-Rod punching his girlfriend's father in the face, and Carlos Beltran as reasons to swallow the remaining $480 million left on every player's contract. "Mets fans associate an intense feeling of negativity with the Mets. Cutting the entire organization was the only way to get them back on our side." Following his statement, Alderson said, "Goodbye," and left, as he had just informed himself of his own release.

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