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Mets Retaliate For David Wright Beaning By Murdering Pablo Sandoval

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WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

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Mets Retaliate For David Wright Beaning By Murdering Pablo Sandoval

NEW YORK—After a 94-mph beaning last weekend landed Mets star David Wright on the 15-day disabled list, his teammates retaliated Monday by ruthlessly stabbing San Francisco Giants third baseman Pablo Sandoval to death. "Hey, it's just part of the game," blood-soaked pitcher Mike Pelfrey said at an evening press conference. "If your pitcher is going to hit one of our guys, we're going to react. And we'll do that by cornering one of your guys in a dark parking lot at night, slamming his head into a car door, thrusting knives repeatedly into his chest and stomach, and leaving him there to bleed in silence until he's found dead the next morning. That's baseball." As of press time, both teams had been warned by home plate umpire Phil Cuzzi.

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