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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Mets To Play Brewers In One-Game Choke-Off

MILWAUKEE—With both teams collapsing neck and neck, Major League Baseball announced Tuesday that the Mets and Brewers will play a one-game choke-off to determine which team will spiral into playoff elimination. "The 2008 Brewers have proven that they can choke with the best of them, but the Mets have the choking experience," Baseball Tonight analyst John Kruk said. "It really all depends on which team decides to step up and wilt under pressure. Either way, this one should be truly painful to watch." Experts are predicting that the Mets and Brewers will both somehow find a way to lose.

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