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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Mets Vow To Win One More Game Next Year

After a record-setting collapse which saw the stunned New York Mets squander a seven-game lead with only 17 games left to play in the season and allowed themselves to be eliminated from the playoffs by a single game, manager Willie Randolph vowed that the Mets would in fact win "one more game" in 2008. "Our problem was clearly that we won only 88 games while the Phillies won 89," said the visibly agitated Randolph moments after a season-ending 7-1 loss to the lowly Florida Marlins. "Next year, we'll just win 89 games, not 88, which is not enough wins. Or maybe we will win one of our games against the Phillies, ideally at Shea, in September, when we have a six-and-a-half game lead. Instead of getting swept. That way we'd just barely win the division outright. Yes. Yes. That's what we'll do. That's exactly what we'll do." When asked to comment on his manager's decision, third baseman David Wright remained crouched in a corner, rocking back and forth and humming tunelessly to himself.

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