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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Mets Vow To Win One More Game Next Year

After a record-setting collapse which saw the stunned New York Mets squander a seven-game lead with only 17 games left to play in the season and allowed themselves to be eliminated from the playoffs by a single game, manager Willie Randolph vowed that the Mets would in fact win "one more game" in 2008. "Our problem was clearly that we won only 88 games while the Phillies won 89," said the visibly agitated Randolph moments after a season-ending 7-1 loss to the lowly Florida Marlins. "Next year, we'll just win 89 games, not 88, which is not enough wins. Or maybe we will win one of our games against the Phillies, ideally at Shea, in September, when we have a six-and-a-half game lead. Instead of getting swept. That way we'd just barely win the division outright. Yes. Yes. That's what we'll do. That's exactly what we'll do." When asked to comment on his manager's decision, third baseman David Wright remained crouched in a corner, rocking back and forth and humming tunelessly to himself.

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