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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Metta World Peace Signs 2-Year Deal With ‘New York Post’

NEW YORK—Calling it “the perfect place for someone like me,” outspoken former Lakers forward Metta World Peace announced Monday that he had agreed to a two-year deal with the New York Post. “I know the Post has been wanting a player like this for a long time, and frankly, Metta couldn’t be more excited about the role he will play in their paper,” said Marc Cornstein, World Peace’s agent, who told reporters that his client would shine in the tabloid’s controversial headlines and sensationalist articles. “As much as the Post may prefer the Ron Artest of old, I think both sides understand that Metta may be a little older but still has plenty to contribute to New York newsstands.” Details of the deal have yet to be made public, but many are speculating World Peace could yield nearly as much ink as Tim Tebow drew last year, depending on whether he reaches any of the outburst, tirade, or physical violence incentives built into his contract.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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