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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Metta World Peace Signs 2-Year Deal With ‘New York Post’

NEW YORK—Calling it “the perfect place for someone like me,” outspoken former Lakers forward Metta World Peace announced Monday that he had agreed to a two-year deal with the New York Post. “I know the Post has been wanting a player like this for a long time, and frankly, Metta couldn’t be more excited about the role he will play in their paper,” said Marc Cornstein, World Peace’s agent, who told reporters that his client would shine in the tabloid’s controversial headlines and sensationalist articles. “As much as the Post may prefer the Ron Artest of old, I think both sides understand that Metta may be a little older but still has plenty to contribute to New York newsstands.” Details of the deal have yet to be made public, but many are speculating World Peace could yield nearly as much ink as Tim Tebow drew last year, depending on whether he reaches any of the outburst, tirade, or physical violence incentives built into his contract.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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