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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.
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Mexican Program Aims To Reach Drug Lords Before They Get Caught Up In Cartels

CIUDAD JUÁREZ, MEXICO—Community advocates in Ciudad Juárez, Mexico, announced Tuesday the launch of a new intervention program aimed at reaching out to impressionable drug lords at high risk for becoming involved in cartels. "Drug lords' millions of dollars, control of ruthless paramilitary forces, and ownership of thousands of marijuana plantations make them by far the most vulnerable recruiting target for cartels," said program coordinator Jorge Garc'a Botella, adding that drug lords typically lack the kinds of positive role models who might encourage them to use their vast networks of smuggling tunnels more constructively. "Cartels provide drug lords with the sense of belonging they crave, but then these groups exploit them, using them for the influence they have over corrupt government officials." Garc'a Botella warned that if no one intervenes, most narcotics kingpins will end up becoming just another statistic responsible for 20 percent of all the cocaine smuggled through Mexico.

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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

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