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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Mexican Program Aims To Reach Drug Lords Before They Get Caught Up In Cartels

CIUDAD JUÁREZ, MEXICO—Community advocates in Ciudad Juárez, Mexico, announced Tuesday the launch of a new intervention program aimed at reaching out to impressionable drug lords at high risk for becoming involved in cartels. "Drug lords' millions of dollars, control of ruthless paramilitary forces, and ownership of thousands of marijuana plantations make them by far the most vulnerable recruiting target for cartels," said program coordinator Jorge Garc'a Botella, adding that drug lords typically lack the kinds of positive role models who might encourage them to use their vast networks of smuggling tunnels more constructively. "Cartels provide drug lords with the sense of belonging they crave, but then these groups exploit them, using them for the influence they have over corrupt government officials." Garc'a Botella warned that if no one intervenes, most narcotics kingpins will end up becoming just another statistic responsible for 20 percent of all the cocaine smuggled through Mexico.

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