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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Mexican Program Aims To Reach Drug Lords Before They Get Caught Up In Cartels

CIUDAD JUÁREZ, MEXICO—Community advocates in Ciudad Juárez, Mexico, announced Tuesday the launch of a new intervention program aimed at reaching out to impressionable drug lords at high risk for becoming involved in cartels. "Drug lords' millions of dollars, control of ruthless paramilitary forces, and ownership of thousands of marijuana plantations make them by far the most vulnerable recruiting target for cartels," said program coordinator Jorge Garc'a Botella, adding that drug lords typically lack the kinds of positive role models who might encourage them to use their vast networks of smuggling tunnels more constructively. "Cartels provide drug lords with the sense of belonging they crave, but then these groups exploit them, using them for the influence they have over corrupt government officials." Garc'a Botella warned that if no one intervenes, most narcotics kingpins will end up becoming just another statistic responsible for 20 percent of all the cocaine smuggled through Mexico.

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