Christmas is almost here, but it's still not too late to buy gifts for your loved ones. Here are The Onion's tips for last minute holiday shopping.
SANTA BARBARA, CAJust days before the two-year anniversary of their initial agreement of terms, women's soccer legend Mia Hamm opted not to pick up her owner option for a third year on former husband Nomar Garciaparra. "Although I made a commitment to Nomar, there is no doubt that his skills have diminished with age, and it has shown in his lackluster performance over the past two years," said Hamm, who added that although she will always appreciate Garciaparra's loyal service, she is taking herself in a different direction right now. "Nomar is a great person, but he is well beyond his prime, and I just don't see him as a fit in my future." Although Hamm would not release details, she has hinted that after the mandatory waiting period concludes, she will begin to pursue younger, more versatile free agents.