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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Miami Dolphins Wish 'Hard Knocks' Crew Would Stop Openly Talking About How Bad They Are

MIAMI— Dolphins players and coaches admitted Friday that they regret allowing the HBO series Hard Knocks to film their training camp, expressing frustration after repeatedly hearing the documentary crew openly refer to the team as "pathetic fucking losers." "I don't like those people coming in here saying how much we suck and talking about my guys as 'sacks of shit in teal,'" said Dolphins coach Joe Philbin, whose players' meeting on Thursday was listed on the production schedule as "Poor Bald Fuck Tries to Inspire Talentless Doormats." "The director yelled 'cut' when we were running passing routes because he said they already had hours of footage of has-beens and shitty draft picks dropping passes and needed to get a shot of somebody actually catching the ball." At press time, the Hard Knocks crew complained out loud about having to film a "sorry-ass practice" and refused to interview players, claiming the Dolphins would "fuck that up, too."

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