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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Miami Dolphins Wish 'Hard Knocks' Crew Would Stop Openly Talking About How Bad They Are

MIAMI— Dolphins players and coaches admitted Friday that they regret allowing the HBO series Hard Knocks to film their training camp, expressing frustration after repeatedly hearing the documentary crew openly refer to the team as "pathetic fucking losers." "I don't like those people coming in here saying how much we suck and talking about my guys as 'sacks of shit in teal,'" said Dolphins coach Joe Philbin, whose players' meeting on Thursday was listed on the production schedule as "Poor Bald Fuck Tries to Inspire Talentless Doormats." "The director yelled 'cut' when we were running passing routes because he said they already had hours of footage of has-beens and shitty draft picks dropping passes and needed to get a shot of somebody actually catching the ball." At press time, the Hard Knocks crew complained out loud about having to film a "sorry-ass practice" and refused to interview players, claiming the Dolphins would "fuck that up, too."

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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