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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Miami Dolphins Wish 'Hard Knocks' Crew Would Stop Openly Talking About How Bad They Are

MIAMI— Dolphins players and coaches admitted Friday that they regret allowing the HBO series Hard Knocks to film their training camp, expressing frustration after repeatedly hearing the documentary crew openly refer to the team as "pathetic fucking losers." "I don't like those people coming in here saying how much we suck and talking about my guys as 'sacks of shit in teal,'" said Dolphins coach Joe Philbin, whose players' meeting on Thursday was listed on the production schedule as "Poor Bald Fuck Tries to Inspire Talentless Doormats." "The director yelled 'cut' when we were running passing routes because he said they already had hours of footage of has-beens and shitty draft picks dropping passes and needed to get a shot of somebody actually catching the ball." At press time, the Hard Knocks crew complained out loud about having to film a "sorry-ass practice" and refused to interview players, claiming the Dolphins would "fuck that up, too."

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