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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Miami Dolphins Wonder If They'll Have End Zones In England

MIAMI—While preparing for their upcoming game in London against the New York Giants, the struggling Miami Dolphins spent most of the week's practices trying to answer questions concerning differences in the football itself, whether the gaps in a British line were numbered backwards, and whether or not England has end zones. "All right…I know when you cross the Atlantic that the strong side is the weak side and weak side is the strong side, so you drive down the opposite side of the field," said Dolphins quarterback Cleo Lemon, who confessed he was concerned about the team's two-minute drill since he was not sure of the length of the British minute. "But, if I'm right-handed, I don't have to throw with my left, do I? And how do we get first downs since they don't have yards over there? I knew I should have watched NFL Europe when it was still on." Lemon added that he was worried that the ball would spiral in the opposite direction in England, although the coaches had reassured him he was thinking of Australia.

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