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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Miami Heat Confident They Have The Right Officiating To Triumph Over Pacers

INDIANAPOLIS—After rallying to tie the Eastern Conference Finals at one game apiece, members of the Miami Heat expressed their confidence Wednesday that they have the right officiating to ultimately overcome the Indiana Pacers. “Indiana’s a great team, no question, but at the end of the day I think we have the right group of refs on the court to push us to the win,” Heat small forward LeBron James told reporters, adding that late in the game the team can always depend on officials to get them to the foul line. “In a tight series, you need to get the big whistles when it counts, and fortunately guys like [referee Joey] Crawford always deliver for us. They’re obviously great during the regular season too, but they’re really clutch in the playoffs.” James went on to say that in the final seconds of a close contest, he trusts the refs to make the game-winning call.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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