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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Miami Heat Unable To Tell If Congratulations Are Sarcastic Or Not

MIAMI—After eliminating the Indiana Pacers to reach the NBA finals for the third consecutive year, Miami Heat players were reportedly struggling Monday to determine whether those congratulating them on their victory were being sarcastic. “When people tell me this was an inspiring win by a team with real integrity, I want to believe them, but it’s hard to tell sometimes,” said shooting guard Dwyane Wade, who was unsure how to interpret comments such as the Heat’s dominance is “very, very impressive” and “a great thing for the NBA.” “One guy came up to me after the game and said I was his favorite player on his absolute favorite NBA team, and then he claimed our team was ‘built the right way.’ He was sort of smiling, but I don’t know if he was being sincere. He also said we should be ‘real proud of what we accomplished’ and then added a second ‘real proud,’ which makes me think he didn’t actually mean it.” At press time, Heat players reportedly realized that anyone claiming to be happy to see Mario Chalmers back in the finals was definitely being sarcastic.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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