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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Miami Heat Unprepared For Chainsaw-Wielding Pacers

MIAMI—During Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals, players on the Miami Heat confirmed Wednesday that they were wholly unprepared for the aggressive brand of basketball played by the chainsaw-wielding members of the Indiana Pacers squad. “Going into this game, we were planning on using our superior ball movement to neutralize Indiana’s size advantage and get around their defenders, but when their starting five walked out onto the court with revving chainsaws in hand—there just wasn’t a way for us to anticipate that,” said Heat shooting guard Dwyane Wade as his screaming teammate Chris Bosh was set upon by a seemingly berserk Roy Hibbert. “We knew they’d be physical, but they’ve really taken things to a new level with these chainsaws. I mean, LeBron [James] has lost a leg, both of his arms, and most of his face; they’ve succeeded in completely taking him out of the game.” At press time, in spite of having suffered numerous gruesome amputations and substantial blood loss, the Heat had jumped out to an early lead.

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