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Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Miami Heat Unprepared For Chainsaw-Wielding Pacers

MIAMI—During Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals, players on the Miami Heat confirmed Wednesday that they were wholly unprepared for the aggressive brand of basketball played by the chainsaw-wielding members of the Indiana Pacers squad. “Going into this game, we were planning on using our superior ball movement to neutralize Indiana’s size advantage and get around their defenders, but when their starting five walked out onto the court with revving chainsaws in hand—there just wasn’t a way for us to anticipate that,” said Heat shooting guard Dwyane Wade as his screaming teammate Chris Bosh was set upon by a seemingly berserk Roy Hibbert. “We knew they’d be physical, but they’ve really taken things to a new level with these chainsaws. I mean, LeBron [James] has lost a leg, both of his arms, and most of his face; they’ve succeeded in completely taking him out of the game.” At press time, in spite of having suffered numerous gruesome amputations and substantial blood loss, the Heat had jumped out to an early lead.

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