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Miami Heat Unprepared For Chainsaw-Wielding Pacers

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How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Miami Heat Unprepared For Chainsaw-Wielding Pacers

MIAMI—During Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals, players on the Miami Heat confirmed Wednesday that they were wholly unprepared for the aggressive brand of basketball played by the chainsaw-wielding members of the Indiana Pacers squad. “Going into this game, we were planning on using our superior ball movement to neutralize Indiana’s size advantage and get around their defenders, but when their starting five walked out onto the court with revving chainsaws in hand—there just wasn’t a way for us to anticipate that,” said Heat shooting guard Dwyane Wade as his screaming teammate Chris Bosh was set upon by a seemingly berserk Roy Hibbert. “We knew they’d be physical, but they’ve really taken things to a new level with these chainsaws. I mean, LeBron [James] has lost a leg, both of his arms, and most of his face; they’ve succeeded in completely taking him out of the game.” At press time, in spite of having suffered numerous gruesome amputations and substantial blood loss, the Heat had jumped out to an early lead.

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