Miami Heat Unprepared For Chainsaw-Wielding Pacers

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Vol 49 Issue 21

3-Day Weekend Practically Already Over

WASHINGTON—According to sources, the long Memorial Day weekend in honor of Monday’s federal holiday is practically over already, with the hours left in said weekend dwindling away at an increasingly rapid pace even as you read this news articl...

Obama Vows To Wind Down War On Terror

After more than a decade of war, President Obama stated yesterday that the U.S. should limit drone strikes, close the Guantánamo Bay detention facility, and repeal the Authorization for Use of Military Force that was enacted after Sept.

Timeline Of The War On Terror

0 AD–September 11, 2001: Everything fine September 11, 2001: September 11, 2001 September 12, 2001: A determined George W. Bush responds to the Sept. 11 attacks by swiftly promising two failed wars, a nearly 10-year manhunt for...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Miami Heat Unprepared For Chainsaw-Wielding Pacers

MIAMI—During Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals, players on the Miami Heat confirmed Wednesday that they were wholly unprepared for the aggressive brand of basketball played by the chainsaw-wielding members of the Indiana Pacers squad. “Going into this game, we were planning on using our superior ball movement to neutralize Indiana’s size advantage and get around their defenders, but when their starting five walked out onto the court with revving chainsaws in hand—there just wasn’t a way for us to anticipate that,” said Heat shooting guard Dwyane Wade as his screaming teammate Chris Bosh was set upon by a seemingly berserk Roy Hibbert. “We knew they’d be physical, but they’ve really taken things to a new level with these chainsaws. I mean, LeBron [James] has lost a leg, both of his arms, and most of his face; they’ve succeeded in completely taking him out of the game.” At press time, in spite of having suffered numerous gruesome amputations and substantial blood loss, the Heat had jumped out to an early lead.

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