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Miami Marlins Construction Crew Completely Unaware They've Been Building Baseball Stadium

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Miami Marlins Construction Crew Completely Unaware They've Been Building Baseball Stadium

MIAMI—Speaking with reporters while putting the finishing touches on Miami's new stadium Saturday, construction workers at Marlins Park admitted they had no idea what the structure would be used for, despite having built baseball stadiums in the past. "We installed a big pool back there, so maybe all the seats are for people waiting in line to swim?" said foreman Frank Davies, sealing one of the large, inexplicable dual aquarium tanks behind home plate. "But there's that giant rainbow thing with the pink flamingos we built at the edge of the grass that sometimes lights up and moves like a windmill, so I'd say my best guess is this is a really big miniature golf hole or a theme park for disabled children." Major League Baseball has yet to rule the field fit for play, as the stadium has no traditional dugouts, Marlins management having opting instead for two giant sets of wax lips.

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