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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Michael Brown Audiotapes Conclusively Reveal Exactly What You Want Them To

FERGUSON, MO—An audiotape released yesterday that purportedly captures the shooting death of teenager Michael Brown at the hands of Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson definitively proves exactly what you want it to, according to experts. “This recording, in which two distinct bursts of gunfire can be heard, is irrefutable evidence that Officer Wilson either briefly paused before consciously deciding to kill an unarmed black teenager, or that Brown charged at him and caused him to use deadly force in his own self-defense,” said audio forensics specialist John Kilpatrick, adding that the 12-second clip recorded from a nearby apartment provided the kind of indisputable support for your point of view that would finally end weeks of speculation about the incident. “It’s impossible to listen to these tapes and not be utterly convinced that the shooting transpired exactly as you thought it did all along—the proof is right there.” The audio recording comes on the heels of an earlier video of Brown allegedly robbing a convenience store that experts say clearly validated beyond any doubt whatever you wanted to believe about young black men.

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