Michael Brown Audiotapes Conclusively Reveal Exactly What You Want Them To

Top Headlines

Recent News

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

The Pros And Cons Of Legalizing Prostitution

Several global advocacy groups, including the World Health Organization, Amnesty International, and Human Rights Watch, are calling for the decriminalization of prostitution, but many are fighting to keep the practice illegal, citing the moral, ethical, and practical concerns of condoning the sale of sex. Here are the pros and cons of legalizing prostitution:
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Productivity

Michael Brown Audiotapes Conclusively Reveal Exactly What You Want Them To

FERGUSON, MO—An audiotape released yesterday that purportedly captures the shooting death of teenager Michael Brown at the hands of Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson definitively proves exactly what you want it to, according to experts. “This recording, in which two distinct bursts of gunfire can be heard, is irrefutable evidence that Officer Wilson either briefly paused before consciously deciding to kill an unarmed black teenager, or that Brown charged at him and caused him to use deadly force in his own self-defense,” said audio forensics specialist John Kilpatrick, adding that the 12-second clip recorded from a nearby apartment provided the kind of indisputable support for your point of view that would finally end weeks of speculation about the incident. “It’s impossible to listen to these tapes and not be utterly convinced that the shooting transpired exactly as you thought it did all along—the proof is right there.” The audio recording comes on the heels of an earlier video of Brown allegedly robbing a convenience store that experts say clearly validated beyond any doubt whatever you wanted to believe about young black men.