adBlockCheck

Michael Brown Audiotapes Conclusively Reveal Exactly What You Want Them To

Top Headlines

Recent News

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Michael Brown Audiotapes Conclusively Reveal Exactly What You Want Them To

FERGUSON, MO—An audiotape released yesterday that purportedly captures the shooting death of teenager Michael Brown at the hands of Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson definitively proves exactly what you want it to, according to experts. “This recording, in which two distinct bursts of gunfire can be heard, is irrefutable evidence that Officer Wilson either briefly paused before consciously deciding to kill an unarmed black teenager, or that Brown charged at him and caused him to use deadly force in his own self-defense,” said audio forensics specialist John Kilpatrick, adding that the 12-second clip recorded from a nearby apartment provided the kind of indisputable support for your point of view that would finally end weeks of speculation about the incident. “It’s impossible to listen to these tapes and not be utterly convinced that the shooting transpired exactly as you thought it did all along—the proof is right there.” The audio recording comes on the heels of an earlier video of Brown allegedly robbing a convenience store that experts say clearly validated beyond any doubt whatever you wanted to believe about young black men.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close