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Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Benny The Bull Busted For Possession Of Unlicensed T-Shirt Gun

CHICAGO—Noting that the suspect had been taken into custody after officers managed to tackle and wrestle the individual to the ground of the United Center concourse, police confirmed Monday that Chicago Bulls mascot Benny the Bull was arrested for possession of an unlicensed T-shirt gun.

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.
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Michael Crabtree

49ers Wide Receiver

Strength: Great height, solid width, spectacular volume, and better-than-average circumference; Always maintains composure after a big drop; Only needs to try for one more year before huge contract

Weakness: Often gets lost in the stands on deep routes

Body Type: Athletic

Agility: Excellent ability to get both feet in-bounds at line of scrimmage

Quickness: Consistently beats blown coverage

Hand Softness: Cashmere

Franchise Records: Longest rookie holdout, most vague sexual assault charges

40-Yard Dash Time: Definitely going to get around to doing that soon

Darkest Secret: Doesn’t really enjoy financially supporting entire family and every friend he had in high school

NEXT: Patrick Willis

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