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Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Michael Dukakis Wakes Up Not Angry For First Time Since 1988 Election

BROOKLINE, MA—According to sources, former Democratic presidential nominee Michael Dukakis woke up Friday without feeling an overwhelming sense of burning rage for the first time since losing his bid for the White House 24 years ago. “Wow, I actually feel pretty good,” said the 78-year-old former Massachusetts governor, reportedly experiencing a sense of inner peace and satisfaction he had not felt in more than two decades. “I’m not even thinking about that Willie Horton ad. Or the stupid advisers who convinced me to put on that helmet and get in the tank. That goddamn tank. And hey, I’m not even getting angry about that fucking Yale graduate George fucking Bush accusing me of Ivy League elitism. You know what? I just might go for a jog this morning. I just might do it.” At press time, reports confirmed Dukakis smiled for three seconds before smashing the bathroom mirror with his fists for the 853rd time since 1988.

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Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

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