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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Michael Dukakis Wakes Up Not Angry For First Time Since 1988 Election

BROOKLINE, MA—According to sources, former Democratic presidential nominee Michael Dukakis woke up Friday without feeling an overwhelming sense of burning rage for the first time since losing his bid for the White House 24 years ago. “Wow, I actually feel pretty good,” said the 78-year-old former Massachusetts governor, reportedly experiencing a sense of inner peace and satisfaction he had not felt in more than two decades. “I’m not even thinking about that Willie Horton ad. Or the stupid advisers who convinced me to put on that helmet and get in the tank. That goddamn tank. And hey, I’m not even getting angry about that fucking Yale graduate George fucking Bush accusing me of Ivy League elitism. You know what? I just might go for a jog this morning. I just might do it.” At press time, reports confirmed Dukakis smiled for three seconds before smashing the bathroom mirror with his fists for the 853rd time since 1988.

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