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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Michael Dukakis Wakes Up Not Angry For First Time Since 1988 Election

BROOKLINE, MA—According to sources, former Democratic presidential nominee Michael Dukakis woke up Friday without feeling an overwhelming sense of burning rage for the first time since losing his bid for the White House 24 years ago. “Wow, I actually feel pretty good,” said the 78-year-old former Massachusetts governor, reportedly experiencing a sense of inner peace and satisfaction he had not felt in more than two decades. “I’m not even thinking about that Willie Horton ad. Or the stupid advisers who convinced me to put on that helmet and get in the tank. That goddamn tank. And hey, I’m not even getting angry about that fucking Yale graduate George fucking Bush accusing me of Ivy League elitism. You know what? I just might go for a jog this morning. I just might do it.” At press time, reports confirmed Dukakis smiled for three seconds before smashing the bathroom mirror with his fists for the 853rd time since 1988.

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