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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Michael Jackson's Reputation For Punctuality In Ruins

The now-infamous Michael Jackson.

SANTA BARBARA, CA (Mar. 11)—Michael Jackson, the one-time "King Of Pop," had his well-established reputation for punctuality tarnished Friday when he arrived late to face charges that he touched a child inappropriately in 2003. "Prior to this, Michael Jackson had the world on a string," Rolling Stone contributing editor Touré said. "But after this flagrant disregard for other people's time, no one will want to work with him." Jackson's public image may have suffered the worst blow since he wore mismatched socks while dangling his baby from a balcony in Germany.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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