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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Michael Jeffreyton Wishes Screenwriter Had Given Him More Believable Name

LOS ANGELES—Speaking from his two-story, picket-fenced house on Oak Street, movie character Michael Jeffreyton told reporters Thursday that he has lately begun wishing that the screenwriter who created him had given him a more believable name. “‘Michael Jeffreyton’? It sounds like he just took the first name that popped into his head and went with it,” said Jeffreyton, who sources confirmed is handsome, fit, and drives a red convertible sports car to his job downtown as a lawyer. “I mean, I understand not wanting to name me Joe Smith or Dave Johnson or something, but Jeffreyton? That’s like a fake name a kid would make up. It’s bad enough we live in a town called Sunnyville.” At press time, Jeffreyton was letting out an audible, exhausted sigh at the thought of having to bond with his son Bobby that evening over yet another friendly game of basketball in the driveway.

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