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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Michael Jeffreyton Wishes Screenwriter Had Given Him More Believable Name

LOS ANGELES—Speaking from his two-story, picket-fenced house on Oak Street, movie character Michael Jeffreyton told reporters Thursday that he has lately begun wishing that the screenwriter who created him had given him a more believable name. “‘Michael Jeffreyton’? It sounds like he just took the first name that popped into his head and went with it,” said Jeffreyton, who sources confirmed is handsome, fit, and drives a red convertible sports car to his job downtown as a lawyer. “I mean, I understand not wanting to name me Joe Smith or Dave Johnson or something, but Jeffreyton? That’s like a fake name a kid would make up. It’s bad enough we live in a town called Sunnyville.” At press time, Jeffreyton was letting out an audible, exhausted sigh at the thought of having to bond with his son Bobby that evening over yet another friendly game of basketball in the driveway.

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