Michael Jordan Celebrates 50th Birthday With Last People He Hasn't Completely Alienated Yet

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Vol 49 Issue 07

Child Assured It Will Be Long Time Before He Dies

COLUMBUS, OH—Shortly after inquiring about his own mortality last night, distraught local child Eli Heffernan, 8, reportedly received assurances from both his parents that while he would indeed die, it would not be for a long, long time.

Pentagon To Award Medals To Drone Pilots

The Pentagon announced the creation of a noncombat award for pilots of drone aircraft and cyber warfare specialists, drawing ire from veterans’ groups, as the new honor would rank higher than the Purple Heart and Bronze Star for distinguished battle...

Highlights From Michael Jordan's Personal Life

With Michael Jordan turning 50 on February 17, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from the former NBA superstar’s private life.  1969: Upon witnessing a group of neighborhood kids play a pickup basketball game, a 6-year-o...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

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Michael Jordan Celebrates 50th Birthday With Last People He Hasn't Completely Alienated Yet

HOUSTON—In a small gathering of acquaintances, former Chicago Bulls guard Michael Jordan reportedly celebrated his 50th birthday Sunday with the last five people on the planet whom the six-time NBA champion hasn’t totally alienated yet. “It’s great that everybody could be here to pay tribute to me,” said Jordan, addressing guests at the sparsely attended festivities, which included a bookie, two paid escorts, a nephew who still speaks to the five-time NBA MVP, and former Bulls center Bill Cartwright. “That’s a pretty sorry-ass pile of presents. Christ, you people are fucking losers.” At press time, Jordan had alienated every guest at his party and was alone eating a piece of cake.

UPDATE: Furious Michael Jordan wanted fucking ice cream cake

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