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Teacher Who Learns More From Her Students Than She Teaches Them Fired

Explaining that her statements indicated a failure to understand and implement the district’s goal of providing a comprehensive education to all children, Southwest High School officials reportedly fired ninth-grade history teacher Jennifer Steenman today after she was heard saying she learns more from her students than they do from her. Full article.

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Michael Jordan Celebrates 50th Birthday With Last People He Hasn't Completely Alienated Yet

HOUSTON—In a small gathering of acquaintances, former Chicago Bulls guard Michael Jordan reportedly celebrated his 50th birthday Sunday with the last five people on the planet whom the six-time NBA champion hasn’t totally alienated yet. “It’s great that everybody could be here to pay tribute to me,” said Jordan, addressing guests at the sparsely attended festivities, which included a bookie, two paid escorts, a nephew who still speaks to the five-time NBA MVP, and former Bulls center Bill Cartwright. “That’s a pretty sorry-ass pile of presents. Christ, you people are fucking losers.” At press time, Jordan had alienated every guest at his party and was alone eating a piece of cake.

UPDATE: Furious Michael Jordan wanted fucking ice cream cake

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