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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Michael Jordan Hires Patrick Ewing As Bobcats Assistant Coach To Watch Him Lose More

CHARLOTTE, NC—Bobcats owner Michael Jordan announced Wednesday that he has officially hired Patrick Ewing as the team’s assistant coach purely to watch the former New York Knicks center lose more. “I’m thrilled to add Patrick to the coaching staff, and I am very happy to once again be the person responsible for Patrick losing game after game after game,” said Jordan, adding that much like their heated rivalry in the 1990s, Jordan will have a front-row seat to watch Ewing consistently fail on the basketball court. “I’m incredibly confident that with our roster of players, and under the tutelage of our head coach, Steve Clifford, Patrick will be frustrated, upset, and constantly question whether or not his team is good enough to reach the playoffs, let alone win an NBA Title. Putting him through that kind psychological torment again couldn’t excite me more.” Sources later confirmed Jordan was also in negotiations to bring on former Cleveland Cavaliers guard Craig Ehlo so that he could “make that guy’s life a living hell all over again too.”

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