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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Michael Jordan Mulling Return To Craps Table

LAS VEGAS—Having walked away following nine heart-pounding rounds, sources confirmed Tuesday night that former Chicago Bulls guard Michael Jordan is considering a return to the craps table at the Bellagio casino. “Sometimes a guy like that needs to step away for a while and refresh, but craps has always been such a big part of him that it was hard to believe he was leaving for good,” frequent Bellagio guest Anthony Miano said of Jordan, whose trip to the bar also reportedly included a brief but unremarkable stint playing blackjack. “He’s up $5,000, so he’s still in pretty good shape. I hope he comes back, because everybody at the table agrees the game just hasn’t been the same without him.” Miano then wistfully recalled watching Jordan bravely refuse to leave the casino’s daylong poker tournament despite battling a 102-degree fever.

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