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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Michael Jordan Wondering Why He Wasn't In NBA Jam

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—After finding his old Super Nintendo in a routine cleaning of his attic, basketball great Michael Jordan was stunned to find that he did not appear as a playable character in the 1993 game "NBA Jam" and was at a loss to explain why. "I don't understand. I'm Michael Jordan, I should be in that game," said Jordan who had no success finding his likeness in the Arcade, Sega Genesis, Sega CD, Game Boy or Game Gear versions. "Scottie being there makes sense, but Horace Grant? Seriously? And how can Tom Gugliotta be in this game and not me? I could swear they paid me a $100 million licensing fee." Jordan then popped in a copy of "Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City" and played for ten minutes before tossing the controller on the table and taking a nap.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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